Episode 33: [Movie Title Here] 3: Sucks (or: Why Pirates 3 Was Trash)

Ok, I'm only going to warn you once and once only:HERE BE SPOILERS
Ok, that's done.

I loved the first two Pirates movies. I really, really did. I saw them both in theaters and loved them. The first one was fun and new and had pirates. The second one was more of the same, plus Davey Jones. It was win/win all around.

After the ending of the second film, it was clear that parts 2 and 3 were basically separated conjoined twins, although most people knew that going in. However, the wonderful setup of the second film almost promised a grand third and (God, I hope) final act.

These things included, at the very least, the rescue of Jack, the return of Barbossa, the story of Davey Jones, Will and his father, Will and Elizabeth's love, Jack and Elizabeth's love?, the heart of Davey Jones, the East India Trading Company, Cuttler and Jack's Past, Mr. Swan's loyalties, etc. There were many more, but they all seemed small and insignificant after watching Barbossa walk down those stairs.

So I waited a year, and what happens?

Garbage.

Like, I said, spoilers ahoy, from the beginning I knew I was in trouble when Barbossa was considered a Pirate Lord, on of the great captains. How can he and Jack be members of this council if Barbossa became captain by having a mutiny against Jack? I can understand one of them at a time, but they were never both captains of the same boat at the same time.

The scene where Jack is "dead" goes on for far too long (both during the scene and the effects of it throughout). The surrealist feel wasn't even well carried out. And the eventual rescue was poorly paced. The characters show up and instantly find him. "He's closer than you think" is a terrible device to use to move the story faster.

And why would Davey Jones put Jack there WITH THE BOAT if someone could just get out of (off?) his Locker?!

After Jack and Cuttler have their meeting, I expected them to go over the "mark" Jack had left on him, mentioned in the second film. By the end of the movie, when Cuttler is dead, there is no mention of this at all. Nothing.

There is an intense battle set up near the end of the film, where all the pirate lords have ships to fight the Company's armada. There's billions of ships, but only the Black Pearl and the Flying Dutchman fight. All the other ships sit there and wait. Then, after one armada ship is taken down, the rest of the Company's ships just turns around and leaves. One ship down, and an entire armada flees? And what did those pirate lords do, exactly? Argue for 20 minutes then do nothing until the battle is over, then cheer? Weak.

Davey Jones, an interesting character, portrayed as both cruel and sympathetic, is revealed to be the lover of Tia Dalma, or the water god Calypso. There is a scene where Davey Jones turns human. You think maybe, just maybe, after everything is said and done, at least they would have a standoff of some kind after all the backstabbing and double-crosses they've but each other through, but no. He just dies. Two movies worth of set-up for a character, no execution. Pathetic.

And don't get me started on Calypso. Not a character AT ALL in part two, minor role that builds in part three, she turns into a giant, turns into a bunch of rock crabs, makes a storm, really does nothing, and then is gone. Wow, great writing!

Will and his father seemed tacked on. Barbossa seemed tacked on. The pirate lords seemed tacked on. There were 90 deaths that were not needed (Gov. Swan, Norrington, Davey Jones, etc.) or that could have been handled better. It was all garbage. And killing both Gov. Swan and beaching the Krakken off-screen, when both were memorable aspects of the first two movies... this is unforgivable.

And let's not forget trying to keep up with the movie series' millions of character driven subplots. Every person has some other things going on in every scene, making it impossible to even focus on this final one. To illustrate how bad this is, I have drawn a diagram that maps out all the characters' subplots. (diagram in no way spellchecked)

So, it was disappointing. Two great movies, one big lump of poop. Tarnishing the series, "At World's End" just reminds me that trying to do too much with a plot can ruin a great movie.

I give this 2/10, and hope to never see it again.